Mitsuba
by love at third sight
Summary: Once upon a time, he too was a young man who fell in love.


1.

Hijikata Toushirou had been taking shelter underneath the Buddhist monastery late afternoon, resting after a recent brawl with the son of a prominent samurai. The weather lately had been hot and humid, promising a thunderstorm soon, and so he slumped under the shade of a nearby tree, almost drifting into sweet slumber before he heard the rustling of a bush behind him.

Instantly his hand gripped the handle of his wooden sword, made from the strongest oaks grown from his former village. He was not considered welcome in the countryside, where his reputation for stirring up trouble was known far and wide. _Baragaki_ , they called him. A thorny boy. It was their way of saying he was no good. He was known to pick fights with men twice his age, stepping into dojos where he would challenge schools of students. He stole food from farmers and slept outside, owning nothing but a tattered yukata and his sword which he held onto tightly at night, for it was his only form of protection.

After moments passed by, however, he knew that nobody had yet found his sleeping spot. A young woman was in the garden, plucking herbs from the ground, humming a lullaby to herself, her head tilted downward. He sighed of relief - women were of no threat to him, at least not physically - and then the woman heard him, and rose her head up.

He froze.

"I'm so sorry - !" She blushed and dropped her basket of herbs. "I didn't mean to steal! I was going to ask for permission, but no one was here, and I - "

His mouth had gone dry, but he had enough sense to shake his head vigorously. "I don't live here. So... " He coughed, to clear his throat. "So it doesn't matter to me."

She sighed with relief. "Oh, thank goodness." In the heat, Hijikata could make out rolls of sweat from her forehead, sticking to the tendrils of sandy hair which she quickly rubbed away with her sleeve. "It's hot, isn't it?" she asked kindly.

"Yes it is," he agreed, somewhat awkwardly. He was not used to speaking normally with anybody. He couldn't even remember the last time he had a conversation with someone who was not angered by his presence.

"There's a well nearby," she said. "Would you like some water?"

He nodded. It had been about half a day since he had eaten and his throat was still parched.

"Follow me, then," she said, swiftly carrying her woven basket of herbs and heading out of the gates. Hijikata was unsure, before deciding his thirst exceeded his desire to keep his presence discreet. A trail was made in the midst of overgrown barley and her steps were nimble, showing that she had been here many times before.

And sure enough, a stone well came amidst their path. She cranked up the bucket full of cold water, and handed it over to Hijikata. In that moment he'd gotten a chance to take a look at her.

Had her hands not been calloused, he would have initially taken her as the lady of the house for some wealthy family, for her skin was luminously pale with the faintest hint of freckles, sprinkled delicately across her nose. Her brown eyes were rich and merry, and suddenly he felt very hot and cold all at once as he gulped down the cool water.

He felt boorish as he wiped away flecks of dew from his mouth. She giggled, and beckoned him to sit in the shade next to him for it was much cooler than sitting in the sun.

"I haven't seen strangers in a while," she said, her voice soft and gentle. "What's your name?"

"Hijikata Toushirou."

"Mine's Okita Mitsuba," she said. "Like the herb." She twirled a three-pronged sprig in her fingers before handing it over to him. "Smell it - doesn't it smell good? I'm lucky that these are in season."

He did so, inhaling a clean, parsley scent. _Mitsuba_ , he thought.

"Where do you live?"

"I don't live anywhere," he said.

"What do you mean?"

There wasn't any point for him to lie to her. "I'm homeless; I don't have a home to go to."

Instead of being shocked, Mitsuba looked thoughtful. "I have an extra room."

"But I don't have any money."

"I'm not asking you for any," she said, smiling.

-x-

"Sou-chan, I bought a new friend home!" Mitsuba called as she opened the gate to her home, nested on the edge of the forest.

A young boy came to the paper door, scowling as he did so. "Aneue, stop inviting all these homeless people, we don't have that much food to give them in the first place - "

Then he looked up. And shrieked, "GET AWAY FROM HIM, HE'S A MONSTER! I HEARD HE BEATS UP OTHER MEN FOR NO REASON -

He ran up in front of her, placing himself as a barrier between Hijikata and his sister. "Get away from her, _Baragaki_!" he hissed. "Don't touch her if you know what's good for you."

Hijikata looked troubled. "I didn't - "

"Stay back, monster!"

"Sou-chan, be quiet." Mitsuba was firm. "I'm still here, aren't I? He's no monster."

"I wouldn't know! Why is he here?" the boy asked, still cautious.

"Kondo-san went to another town on some business," Mitsuba said calmly, resting her hand on the boy's head, which softened him momentarily. "Hijikata-san can stay here until he comes back."

"What if he steals something?"

Mitsuba laughed. "What is there to steal?"

-x-

Okita Sougo did not let Hijikata out of his sight, glaring at him as if he was a malevolent dog, but that was nothing he wasn't used to. It was cooler in the house than to be outside, even in the shade, and he was grateful, even though it meant he was indebted to a woman. Hijikata simply sipped his tea while Mitsuba cooked their lunch in the kitchen.

"I don't know why you're here," the kid muttered. "She keeps inviting all these weirdos because she feels sorry for them, and they can't even pay! It's like we're running a boarding house for _free_!"

Hijikata said nothing, preferring to scan his eyes around the room. The house was in great disarray. A bucket had been placed on the floor, catching a leak from the roof. There were ripped patches in the paper sliding-door, and the walls had cracks in them. The furniture seemed old and dusty, and he had a distinct impression that no one had maintained the house properly in a very long time.

"What are you looking at?" Sougo demanded, standing up straight.

"Nothing," Hijikata said quietly.

Mitsuba had chosen to enter the room, carrying three sets of dishes. "Forgive me, I don't have much..."

"It's fine," Hijikata replied. Though the meal was simple, it was filling and Mitsuba was a good cook. The roasted fish, rubbed down with herbs, was delicious with brown rice. Mitsuba herself was seasoning her rice with pepper flakes, delicately removing fish bones with her chopsticks so she could section parts of the fish to place them into Sougo's bowl.

"I'm afraid we don't have soy sauce," she apologized. "We ran out yesterday."

"It doesn't matter. Thank you for your generosity," Hijikata said simply. It had been a while since he had been invited for a home cooked meal inside anybody's house. He had only been a boy since he was unceremoniously disowned from his brother's house. Since then it seemed as if he never had enough to eat, dependent on the scraps of food he could only steal, or worse, rummaging in the garbage.

After they finished their meal, Mitsuba requested Sougo to fetch water from the creek so that she could wash the dishes. The boy refused before she sternly looked at him, reminding that Hijikata was a guest in their house. The boy cursed him before leaving the house, leaving the sliding door open.

Mitsuba sighed, rising up to close the door once more. "I apologize for my younger brother. He doesn't take well to guests, I'm afraid."

Hijikata said nothing in response.

"Our home used to be a dojo, you know. But then things happened, and now there's no one to fix it." Mitsuba smiled sadly. "I don't have any money make ends meet either. And there's so much to do, too!" She sighed.

"Do you have any chores that need to be done?" Hijikata enquired, his voice gruff.

Her eyes brightened. "Can you chop wood? I've been meaning to ask if someone could help, but I can't do it, and Sougo is only a little boy."

He nodded and looked away as she smiled in appreciation.

-x-

"Oho, is this a new student?" Kondo grinned widely as Hijikata stared at him coldly, assessing whether the man would put up a good fight or not. "Mitsuba, I can't imagine where you find all these lone strays, _ahahahaha_!"

She blushed. "He says he doesn't have a place to stay."

Kondo clucked his tongue sympathetically. "Well, with all those Amanto invasions, it's no surprise that the older families are wiped out. What's your name, son?"

Hijikata bristled at the label. "I'm a bastard child," he spat out. "I belong to _nobody_."

Kondo blinked, before Mitsuba hurriedly injected, "His name is Hijikata Toushirou."

Kondo Isao had been the first man who'd been able to knock Hijikata down a peg or few. Where he gained that strength was a secret, but in any case, Hijikata was determined to be the first to defeat him. The others in the dojo took an immediate disliking to him, because he was rude, holding a sharp tongue, but Kondo, always a person to see past their hard exteriors, was quick to detect raw talent from the newcomer.

Gradually, Hijikata learned to let down his guard when he went to sleep. But he was never generous with his words. The most anybody had ever seen him speak with was either to Kondo or Mitsuba, the girl who came to pick up Sougo every time practice was finished.

"Pretty girl, isn't she?" Kondo said one day, rather nonchalantly. Hijikata fixed his usual glare, as if everybody else was stupid and he was the only sensible man left standing on earth. Kondo, however, as stupid and naive of a man that he was, had already learned to read books in every small quirk in Hijikata's expressions.

"She's too kind for her own good," he continued softly. "Her parents passed away in the last cholera epidemic. So she had to take care of Sougo all by herself."

"Is that why _senpai_ acts like a brat?" Hijikata asked.

Kondo chuckled. "Maybe. But she loves him, regardless. Perhaps you'll change your mind someday."

"I doubt it."

His other companion grinned. "Mitsuba has a big heart, ne? Ever since the Shogunate started displacing samurai families out of power - because of the Amanto - she took in many of the samurai in my dojo. I'd say half of them are in love with her."

Hijikata kept silent, but Kondo could have sworn his scowl had grown even deeper.

* * *

2.

He had become a regular guest in the Okitas' dojo. Sougo had never taken a liking him and it suited him fine. Tamegoro's family had never liked him either, but he had endured it since he loved and respected his older brother. This was the same situation. Because he liked Mitsuba, he would quietly endure her younger brother, because he understood his place in society. He lived with other men in Kondo's dojo but after practices and routines, he would quietly escort Sougo back home, a practice that they most disliked but put up simply because it would have made Mitsuba happy.

And he would fix things for her, like the roof, or repairing the chipped tile in the kitchen, partially because she had a beautiful smile, but also because he knew it was she who needed a better place to sleep at night. Mitsuba would be kind to him because she had too much faith in people. She would take him in, mend his clothes, and feed them, because that was what a proper woman should do, what her parents told her to do as a young girl.

And yet...

He did not mind too much. He had never been particularly selfless until he had met her and Kondo.

"I heard about your parents," he said, on a breezy afternoon. It was the sort of insensitivity he could never shake off, even when he was an adult.

She was in the middle of hanging clothes to dry, clipping them with clothespins. "Oh yeah?"

"I'm sorry," he said.

"Don't be," she said cheerfully. "I've come to terms with it."

"Really."

"Everyone tells me, _you poor girl, how are you coping with all this at your age?_ But it made me more responsible." Mitsuba looked thoughtful. "Of course I'd do anything to get them back. But it gets easier each day."

She turned to him. "And you? How do you cope?"

"I don't think about it much," Hijikata said. "My mother dumped me on my brother's doorstep when I was a kid. My old man used her as his mistress. Then things happened. I got kicked out of their household, and here I am."

Mitsuba was quiet for a moment. "I see. I'm sorry to hear that."

"But I don't care about all that," he said, shrugging. "In any case, I knew what I wanted to be."

"What's that?"

"Someone who protects others."

"Like a samurai?"

"Maybe."

-x-

"Stop hanging out with my sister," Sougo said. He was awfully charismatic for his age, Hijikata thought as he opened his eyes cautiously. He was right to be careful, as there was a wooden bokuto pointed at his neck.

"I can't help it if she keeps asking me to do chores for her," he replied dryly.

"You're just like everyone else!" Sougo shouted. "Don't think I don't know what you're up to!"

"What am I up to?"

The boy poked the bokuto under Hijikata's jaw. "Don't play innocent. You want to marry Aneue! But that won't happen."

"You have a serious sister complex," Hijikata complained. "Do you act this away around Kondo-san too?"

"He's different!"

"How?"

"I know what he's like around women!" Now Sougo seemed to be near in tears. "Just leave Aneue alone!"

And without further ado, the boy dropped his sword and ran far away from Hijikata.

-x-

Sougo didn't show up for practice the next morning. If it had been anybody else other than Kondo asking him to escort the kid back to the dojo, Hijikata would have flatly turned them down. He had explained the situation over and over again, but Kondo had waved them all aside.

"He's only nine, what do you have to worry about?" the older man said airily. "Nonsense, Toushi, I won't take no for an answer."

And thus, Hijikata gritted his teeth and made the trek all the way to Mitsuba's house, cursing the fact that such a lovely girl had to be the root of all problems between him and a boy he wouldn't have given any notice at all if he wasn't related to her.

Mitsuba was kneeling next to Sougo when he arrived. For a moment, she seemed overly concerned; Sougo's back was turned away from her. And suddenly, Hijikata felt that he'd swallowed a spoonful of hot pepper - feeling cold and hot and sick and mad, all at once. The feeling disappeared in a second, but the questions still lingered, a veil of resentment building up in his heart. Why did Mitsuba care so much for this ungrateful brat?

"Okita-senpai. Time for class," he said, staunchly avoiding all glances at Mitsuba.

"You! Why are you at my house?" Sougo snapped, walking straight at Hijikata. "You jerk!" His tiny fists bunched up, flailing wildly before Hijikata stopped him from hitting his body in reach.

"Kondo-san told me to bring you," he replied, repressing a smirk.

"Lemme go, you jerk!"

Ignoring him, Hijikata picked Sougo up. "C'mon, let's go, senpai."

"Ow ow ow! Oi, is this anyway to treat your senpai? Damn you!"

And then, something else entirely stopped Sougo from cursing Hijikata.

Mitsuba was laughing at the two of them.

-x-

It was a huge relief once practice was done. Kondo had taken Sougo out for special lessons and therefore had spared Hijikata any further torment. As he and most of the young men in the dojo usually took on small odd jobs in the village to eke out a meager living, he decided to take the rare occasion of being able to see Mitsuba without Sougo to spoil anything.

She was sweeping the floors with a broom when he had arrived at the front gate. "Ah, Toushirou-san!"

He nodded in reply. Even if Sougo was a kid that he respected, he wouldn't have been able to keep away from the girl who changed everything.

"What good timing!" she said, happy to see him. "I was about to go to the market. Where is Sou-chan?"

"Out for lessons with Kondo-san."

"Oh, is that so?" She smiled brightly. "Well, we'd better hurry up, then. I wouldn't want him to miss dinner..."

-x-

It hadn't been long until he felt himself changing, unwillingly, in front of Mitsuba's eyes. Somehow being near her seemed to be a difficult ordeal, made even more difficult by the fact that Sougo gave him the cold shoulder every time he went past her. He never complained one bit, though. Somehow he could understand the kid better now that Mitsuba had voiced her worries about raising a child on her own.

"I can't help it," she said, confiding in Hijikata as they carried produce from the market all the way to her house. "He's the only one of my family left. If I don't take care of him, who will?" She paused before letting out a deep sigh. "If I didn't spoil him... I'd have this feeling that he'll never turn out right."

"Kids are supposed to be disciplined, you know."

"Of course they are, but - " Mitsuba sighed again. "That's why I let him take up _kendo_. But I didn't expect him to be a prodigy, either!"

"You worry too much," Hijikata said.

"I can't help it. What if... what if he decides he wants to join the _Jouishishi_?" She seemed especially agonized over this possibility, wringing her hands fitfully. "I promised my parents I would protect him."

"Kondo-san would never let that happen," Hijikata replied quietly. "He's seen other people die in war before. He'd never let a young kid join up without knowing about it."

"What about you, Toushirou-san? Would you ever... join them?"

"Of course not!" he protested. "Leave this peaceful countryside for a bunch of ragtag losers? You're out of your mind." He sped up, not wishing to talk any more about her unpleasant brother.

"Wait, Toushirou-san!" Mitsuba ran after him in a hurry. "I'm sorry. I forget that you and Sou-chan aren't on the best of terms..."

"It's fine," Hijikata lied.

"In any case, I apologize." She lowered her head in atonement, and it was then that Hijikata felt quite sorry for being rude in the first place. "I probably can't invite you for dinner again, but I can fix you lunch tomorrow."

"It's no problem at all - " he said, taken aback. "I couldn't impose."

"But I insist on it!"

-x-

No one in the village could have missed that Mitsuba had been walking out and about with a juvenile delinquent for a while now. It wasn't about the trips to the market with Kondo, Hijikata, and Sougo anymore. Lately it had been just the two of them. The ladies in the countryside thought it was a subject of great interest - of what use would it be for a girl steeped in poverty want in a boy whose only skill was to fight like a common thug? It would be better for a pretty girl like her to woo some older gentlemen - perhaps someone with a better name and with more land.

It was none of Hijikata's business, but he felt the accusing eyes of the villagers rake him over every time he was spotted walking for her. And every time he saw a man talking to Mitsuba as if he owned her already, his blood would boil.

He wasn't stupid. He knew he was unworthy of her but he was never capable of staying too far away from her, even under the mistrustful eyes of Sougo. He thought about her when he went to bed and thought about her first thing in the morning when he woke up.

It was then that he knew he was too gone into the deep end.

* * *

3.

"Do you believe in heaven, Toushirou-san?"

"Dunno."

"I think there is one out there," Mitsuba said, plucking off the seeds from a sunflower. She was collecting them so that she could roast them in a fire, making a nutritious and delicious snack for Sougo.

"I dunno. If there are things like God, or hell - or whatever they say - then I don't believe they exist."

"My, you're awfully practical, aren't you?"

"It's something humans invented to make themselves feel better about dying."

Mitsuba smiled wanly. "Perhaps. But you can't prove that it doesn't exists any more than it exists."

She set the stalk aside, picking up another flower. "My parents were very devoted to the shrine gods." Her lips opened slightly, in a rare expression of melancholy. "It's too bad they had to leave so soon."

Hijikata said nothing.

"Anyways, Toushirou-san, I have a favor to ask of you."

He looked at her, his eyebrow raised.

"Would you be willing to meet me at the well? At eight o'clock?"

"Why?"

"I want to show you something. Don't tell anybody else, okay?" She held up her finger, whispering " _shh_ ".

"Okay."

-x-

The insects had came out in a hazy swarm in the night, causing Hijikata to curse as he lit up a mosquito coil inside his gas lantern. He was a kilometer away from Kondo's dojo, away from prying eyes.

 _She's crazy_ , he thought to himself. But his curiosity kept him walking ahead. Sure enough, Mitsuba was waiting for him at the well, holding a stick of incense burning at the tip. A wisp of grey smoke floated lazily around her as Hijikata walked towards her.

"Well? What did you want to show me?"

Her smile glowed in the dim light of his lantern. "Follow me."

-x-

There was a small boat at the edge of a forgotten dock, lying at the edge of the lake. Mitsuba disregarded the boat entirely and set her slippers aside, letting her feet dangle at the edge of the water.

Hijikata was still standing, wondering if he was allowed to sit next to her.

 _Of course you are, you idiot. What are you afraid of?_

She turned her head and smiled. "I come here a lot, to think by myself."

He sat next to her. "It's nice."

"Wait until it gets really dark," she said, leaning back. A breeze swept through the willow trees, like a distant whispering of a song in the distance.

And quite suddenly, a light flickered on. And then two yellow spots were in the distance. And then four more. And then ten, and then fifty -

"It's pretty, isn't it?" Mitsuba said. "I love seeing the fireflies in the summertime."

"Yeah."

"The old lady at the marketplace told me they light up because they're looking for a mate."

"Really."

"Yep," she said.

She held out her index finger. A firefly flitted by and landed for a second before flying off again. It reminded him of a hot afternoon a week ago after practice was over. A dragonfly had landed on her finger then, too. But instead of shrieking in horror like so many other girls, she smiled and laughed - making his stomach flip. He couldn't look at her for too long, because then she would figure it out - and that could never happen.

"Close your eyes."

"Why?"

"It's a surprise."

 _Another one_? Hijikata thought. Idly he wondered if she was going to "surprise" him again with spicy _senbei_ , her snack of choice. But she didn't look as if she would carry something like that to a place like this, though you could never tell with Mitsuba.

"Close them, please."

"All right."

"Stay still."

"Okay."

He could feel her shifting, as if she was leaning in forward. Before he could process what was going on, a soft something pressed on his lips.

He opened his eyes to find Mitsuba kissing him.

She retreated quickly once she found out he was staring at her in shock. "I told you to close your eyes!" she said ruefully, her cheeks bright red.

His face was red as well, sputtering out incoherent words. "But I - ! I didn't - expect - !"

Mitsuba turned her back on him. "I've always liked you, Toushirou-san."

He was grateful that he could not meet her eyes. "... Since when?"

"I don't know! I thought you were cool... unlike the other men... always quiet and strong." She lowered her head. "I'm sorry for being so forward, but I - "

"It's fine." His heart was beating faster than any set of practice swings could make him. His head was dizzy, drunk on joy.

"I was sure that you liked other girls... You know others call you handsome, at least in the village..."

Honestly, he never noticed that sort of thing. He'd only see Mitsuba - everything else a mere shadow in his eyes.

"I never realized."

"Oh, surely you do!" Mitsuba said, finally turning to him.

The sight of her, anxious and beautiful, and afraid, was something he'd never forget. "I haven't. It's only been you."

-x-

It was their little secret once daylight had come. Hijikata never spoke to anyone about the matter and neither did Mitsuba. Still, there were moments. Moments, where their eyes lingered at each other for a second longer than necessary. Moments, where his hand would stop to relish the brush of hers against his as they walked next to each other. Moments, where she would rise up earlier than Sougo so that she could pass him a bento before going to wake up the boy.

And then there were other breathtaking moments, too, where under the stars they would share bits and pieces that they kept away from the world.

"My older brother is blind," he said one night, as they sat at the edge of the dock again.

She was brushing his hair, something that he had never let anyone do before. Her fingers were nimble as she set down the boar-bristle brush, untying the small knots in his hair.

"It was my fault. I overestimated my strength," he said. "I put myself in danger. And so, he protected me... and the bandits in our village blinded him."

"Toushirou-san..."

"I ended up killing all of them... but strangely, I don't remember any of this. His siblings later told me I had to leave the house that took me in after my mother died. So I packed up and left the next morning. And because I knew nothing of the world, I thought it was proper that I should fight others because I was angry. I was angry that the world had forsaken me. That I had no family, or money, or anyone to take care of me..."

She was quiet, her head lowered. "I see."

"But you found me under the shrine that afternoon, and offered me water. You are the kindest person I've ever met in my life."

"Oh, I don't know about that - "

"Mitsuba-san, the world has known me to be a thorn in their side. After my brother, you and Kondo-san have been the only ones to truly accept me."

-x-

Autumn came, and there had been a small harvest in Mitsuba's small garden with potatoes, yams, and a few daikons. She would slice, stew, and marinate the daikons so that they would be preserved in the winter. In the meantime, she would take in extra sewing from the tailor to make ends meet. Hijikata had been able to contribute a small bag of rice, which she took with thanks of appreciation. It'd been worth it for a kiss from her, stolen underneath the maple tree. In return, she knitted him a woolen hand warmer, which he kept under his pillow at night.

There had been little snow in the countryside in the middle of winter, but it was inevitable that she had come down with a slight fever two weeks after New Years. Then he had delivered medicine to Sougo, chopping wood for their stove in the icy forest so that she would stay warm. He never allowed himself to be close to Mitsuba if her little brother was nearby, for he would spoil things.

Kondo had not noticed anything strange between them, only had commented on their apparent friendliness towards each other. But often, Hijikata would wonder if the older man knew.

When Mitsuba was well again, the whole dojo had rejoiced, and there had been many admirers to visit her once more. Hijikata was the last in line, bringing her nothing but oranges and a sachet of chamomile tea.

"You don't look happy," she teased him.

"Tch."

She was sewing again. Hijikata sighed, for he knew that meant she was working once more. He hated to see her toiling so hard for pennies, but there was no way around it. Sougo was a growing boy, and Mitsuba could not help but to spoil him.

"Kondo-san says that the war has ended," she said. The thimble resting on her index finger sparkled underneath the paper window of the wintery sun. She bit off the thread with her teeth. "Things are in chaos all around."

"Really? I haven't heard."

"I suppose you wouldn't think about... " Mitsuba was thoughtful, before shaking her head. "Never mind. Forget about it."

-x-

"Toushi."

"Hm?"

"I'm leaving tomorrow to meet a daimyo."

"Huh? Why?"

"This country is a mess, Toushi. It's our duty as samurai to clean it up."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean to take our men all the way to Edo. Think about it. What good is it for us to stay here forever?"

"But there's nothing for us there."

"Spoken like a true country samurai!" Kondo laughed. "Listen, I'll talk to you in two weeks. There are people in the business of restructuring things. I wouldn't want to miss it for the world."

-x-

Later, Hijikata looked at the hand warmer Mitsuba had made for him. His finger traced over the small indentations, knowing that she had put all her love into this tiny, precious thing.

 _I suppose you wouldn't think about..._ she had said, breaking off into silence. But he had known what she had meant to say.

Marriage.

It was true, that the two of them were of marriageable age, and that it was custom to hold such ceremonies in the springtime. He had given it a bit of thought though he had never once mentioned it to Mitsuba.

But there was Kondo. There was Kondo, and his inability to provide for a family. There was Kondo and Sougo and his lack of a good name, his lack of money, his lack of a home...

He sighed, and put the hand warmer back into his pocket.

-x-

Kondo did not come back after two weeks, and put Hijikata in charge of the dojo for the rest of the summer.

Assuming leadership had come more naturally than he had assumed. Barking out orders and following everything he issued out was easy. His stamina easily surpassed the other men in the dojo.

And still Kondo would not come back, though he wrote a letter to them every week. Things were good in Edo. He was negotiating with top officials from the Bakufu. Hijikata would read them silently to himself before handing it to someone else to read aloud to the rest of the men.

If things were good, Kondo had wrote, they would be leaving in the fall. There would be barracks to stay at in the city, and they would be trained appropriately by the government so that they could protect the people of Edo. Every man would have a salary and a pension.

Hijikata's heart had leaped at the new opportunity. He could take Mitsuba with him, surely - surely, if he was able to work for the Bakufu, his lack of a proper name would not matter.

And then Kondo sent him a letter to be read in private.

 _Toushi -_

 _Don't tell anybody about this, but our job isn't going to be easy. They want us to catch down the last of the Joui terrorists._  
 _I'm afraid that things are rough around here. It's no place for a woman from the countryside to live there, that's for sure._  
 _There are rogues and criminals running amok around here. Not to mention the Amanto who've liked it here and want to stay in Edo._  
 _I'm of the mind that our men will get killed doing what we're hired to do. But this is our big chance to be the samurai we thought we were. The Amanto killed most of them, but I feel like this is what we're meant to be._

 _\- Kondo_

 _P.S. They've got five different types of mayonnaise over here. I'm sure you'd like them all._

Hijikata's eyes only latched onto two lines.

 _"It's no place for a woman from the countryside to live there, that's for sure."  
_ _"I'm of the mind that our men will get killed doing what we're hired to do."_

He stared at the letter blankly, until the lights were blown out. It was impossible for him to go to sleep.

-x-

He could not bear to see her anymore.

Her kindness, once a balm to his weary soul, had become an endless source of guilt to him now.

He could not take her to Edo, nor could he in good conscience continue to be with her with his impeding risk of mortality. Already at his young age he had faced death too many times to count - it'd only been by Kondo's protection that he had some modicum of stability in the village. Neither could he afford to marry her and settle down.

And suddenly he was angry again. Why, oh why did Kondo have to pick Edo of all places? Why did the Amanto invade Japan anyways?

Why did he have to love such a gentle, perfect woman?

-x-

"We have to stop seeing each other."

It tore him into pieces as she bowed her head slightly. This, he knew, was to hide her tears.

"May I ask why?" she asked. He pretended not to see her lips trembling, allowing his bangs to shield him from seeing any more of his cruelty.

"I can't provide for you," he said. There was a lump in his throat as he said it. "I won't be able to make you happy."

"That's not true," she said. "You've made me very happy, Toushirou-san - "

"It's not enough," he said. His hand balled up into a fist. "I... can't be... the person standing next to you."

"Toushirou-san... "

"I'm sorry."

He could already feel himself breaking apart, and turned away from her as fast as he could. For some reason, his vision was blurry.

-x-

"Sou-chan, what's gotten into you? Why are you packing, anyhow?"

"We're going to Edo!"

"We? What do you mean, we?"

"Oh, sorry! Forgot to tell you, Aneue, but Kondo-san is taking the entire dojo to Edo tomorrow. He says we're gonna be policemen over there!"

A clunk dropped into Mitsuba's stomach. So this was why Hijikata had decided to part ways with her. She had avoided listening to the rumors as of lately, hoping against hope that they were not true. Now, she could not ignore them any longer.

Slowly, she rose up.

"Aneue, where are you going?"

"To Kondo-san, of course." She smiled at Sougo, though her face was still pale from shock. "Stay here, Sou-chan."

Her feet ran there quickly, tracing the path from her house to the other dojo without delay. She was almost without breath when she arrived at the gates, her heart throbbing with nervousness and the physical exertion from her run.

 _Please let this all be a sick joke. Don't take my family away again... Not Sougo. And not... him._

There was a room, she knew, where Hijikata stayed. Mitsuba called his name softly before he went outside in the backyard of the dojo, underneath the maple tree.

Neither of them could say anything at first. She found that if she looked at him too long, her heart would burst. She sat down as he turned himself away from her.

"Is it true that you're all going to Edo to find success?"

"Where'd you hear that?" he asked. His voice was flat and devoid of emotion. How awful, she thought, that he no longer regarded her with warmth in his eyes...

"Sou-chan. He looked so happy this morning..."

"That idiot."

And suddenly she couldn't help herself from blurting out the things she wanted to say all along. "Take me... with you. I'm... after all, like a parent to Sou-chan. If I'm not there, that child... "

Lies. They were all lies. She couldn't pretend to herself that she was only concerned because of Sougo.

"And also because I... Everyone... I want to stay with you, Toushirou-san."

He was very still. The maple leaves had begun to fall, flitting through the wind.

And then -

"Do whatever," he said carelessly. "What you do is up to you."

And her heart had been broken in two, for she knew that it was another rejection once more. If he had truly wanted her to follow him, he would have moved closer to her, after all. She would not impose, because she did not belong to him anymore.

He had left her to do greater things, and it was a truth that broke her heart. She came home to an empty home that afternoon, after watching her boys leave for Edo. And though she never engaged in such sentimentality, she broke down and wept.

* * *

4.

He never wrote her letters. How could he? He had done a terrible thing and there was nothing he could do. There was nothing he could excuse himself with. Nothing he could justify himself with, after leaving the love of his life. Even if in the fifth month one of their man died on the Shinsengumi's watch, his convictions grew weaker and he loathed himself.

And still, he waited for the day where news of her engagement - hopefully to some normal guy back in the countryside - would come. Because then it would be fine to forget her then. Then everything would be okay. Then it would be all right, for him to keep on living like this, to keep working so hard to forget her.

But it was hard, too hard to ignore the packets of spicy _senbei_ every month that the Shinsengumi would pass around, hoping someone would eat the rest of them. Hijikata would always wait until no one was looking before taking the rest of them to his desk.

Perhaps Kondo had suspected what happened. Perhaps it didn't even matter anymore.

In his work, he found a purpose to live. It was good enough for him. He felt as if his job was giving him meaning, and he did admit that his work demanded a strict adherence of _bushido_ that he appreciated.

But always in his dreams, Mitsuba would be there, as if he could never let go of her.

-x-

She never wrote him letters, either. It seemed appropriate as they seemed too busy in a big city, managing things that nobody else had before. Even Sougo was beginning to write less, as he rarely had days off. He had already passed adolescence in a few years - and he had done what many other had done before him: growing up.

And though she once held a foolish dream that things could go back to the way things were, even she could not believe in it any more than Hijikata did.

So she gave up, after the medicine no longer worked normally, after the rain had kept her inside for an entire week because her body was so frail and weak. Kondo had written with mild disapproval that Hijikata had taken up cigarettes. It was because of the stress, he said. Mitsuba had clenched the letter, tears in her eyes, her body willing for her not to cry. After all, it was no use.

He would not think of her, and so she would not think of him. When the sun came back to the countryside, she would call for the services of a local matchmaker.

-x-

"She's sick," Hijikata overheard Sougo speaking to Kondo. "The doctors said... well, Mitsuba's never been the strongest person, and... "

"Permission granted, Captain," Kondo said, his hand resting on Sougo's shoulder. "Take the whole week off. Bring back souvenirs, won't you?"

"Yes, sir."

So this was to be the end of her story. Hijikata walked quietly to his room, and sank down, the burden of a woman whom he could not care for growing heavier by the days. He lit up a cigarette. He lit up another not too long after that.

The illness did not go away, even after months and months of treatment. Sougo's temper grew increasingly worse until a letter came, announcing the date of her engagement.

"Kuraba Touma," Yamazaki read out loud. "Hey, isn't he a millionaire? I heard he got featured on Edo's Top Financial Week - "

"Who cares?" Sougo said, but even Hijikata could tell he was happy. "She's coming in three months. I can't wait for her."

-x-

The morning Mitsuba was scheduled to arrive, he had quietly left the Shinsengumi headquarters, serving his morning shift. He was a coward, but who could blame him? Surely now she held no affection for him. After all, she had gotten engaged to someone else. He only hoped that her relationship would make her happy.

His shift had been a stakeout, and the entire job was a blur to him. It was funny how he could never remember any detail of that day except for the sight of her tired, pale face in the bright headlights of his car.

She had cut her hair so that it no longer hung in a ponytail. Her kimono, originally a girlish pink, loosely worn like in the countryside, no longer existed.

Both of them were older now, and perhaps, the two were just as exhausted with the mundanities of life. As he stood there, staring dumbly in front of his headlights, Mitsuba gasped for air at the sight of him, collapsing in just mere seconds.

He fucked up and he knew that; the proof was there right in front of him. There was no going back.

-x-

He smoked cigarettes as the entire Shinsengumi waited next to her room, knowing the final diagnosis. After all, Mitsuba had never been strong in body. Later he would go through two packs, an abnormally large amount even for him. He knew he would never attend her funeral.

Sougo had told him a while ago that he'd been the reason why Mitsuba had waited for him. That she had taken so long to find another man.

 _Bullshit_ , he'd thought. But he said nothing. What was there to say? He'd given his reasons. And she'd been a fool for wanting him to come back. If he'd been any more honest, she would have died even sooner in Edo, what with its pollution and awful criminals all around him.

 _But at least she would have been happier_.

-x-

 _"Hijikata-san can stay here until he comes back."_

 _"I've always liked you, Toushirou-san."_

 _"I want to stay with you, Toushirou-san."_

 _"I want to show you something. Don't tell anybody else, okay?"_

 _"Do you believe in heaven, Toushirou-san?"_

-x-

He opened a bag of spice _senbei_ , and bit into it.

"Man, this is spicy. So spicy... Dammit, what the hell? It's so spicy, it's making me cry..."


End file.
